Accepting Reality vs Making Change
This post tackles the critical question that I personally struggle with each day: how do I decide between accepting reality or making change.
I love reading books on Zen and meditation. Zen is constantly preaching accepting reality. But in my mind I think, “Wait! The world has terrible things in it. I can’t accept it!!!”
I have been pretty obsessive about this tension. Watching the news makes me feel insane. How can I accept this mad, mad world? Well, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it. I realized that in order to impact the world and make a change, I have to accept reality! They go together! I ended up writing a book about this. It’s called The Zen of Software Development.
After writing the book, I decided to share the message that we need to accept reality in order to change the world through presentations. I spoke at several conferences including the Software Engineering Institute SATURN conference in 2016.
I am going to dive into an example on how I accept reality in order to make a change. The example I am going to look at is a relationship with a coworker.
The three steps to accept reality:
1) Schedule time in my week to reflect. I take time to reflect on my coworker relationships. As I go through the list of coworkers, I realize that one of my coworkers, Bob, and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye. The trendy term for this reflection is called mindfulness. It’s really just noticing. Taking time to reflect on my different relationships is the first step to realize that there might be an issue.
2) I write down my observations on the relationship. What are the signs there might be trouble? Did he say something dismissive in a recent meeting with executives? Did he not respond to my emails?
3) Acknowledge the realizations. Once I realize this is a real issue, I take time to say to myself: I accept this is happening. I am not on the same page as Bob!
After using these 3 steps to accept reality, I can make a plan. If I didn’t accept the situation is real, I couldn’t get to the mental place to make a plan.
Using the observations from step 2, I journal on how to improve the relationship. If making a big plan sounds too hard, just write down the next action step. I usually schedule a one on one with enough time to have a good conversation.
This post used the example of the relationship with a coworker, but of course you can use these three steps to accept reality with anything your in life. Issues with projects, challenges with your organization, or even not having the job you want are all great places to start.
I hope this post helps with this critical question that I personally struggle with each day. I know its a controversial topic and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Post your comments on LinkedIN or Facebook.
